A Letter to my Child's Birthmom

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Dear Jane*,

It's been more than 6 years since we have had any contact but I think of you often. As Ty gets older the thoughts of you are more frequent. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. I just want you to know that Ty is the most amazing kid. He is funny and artistic, compassionate and kind, athletic and smart. I see a lot of you every time I look at him- he has your nose and your face shape. He definitely has your eyes.

He has started asking questions about you now. I try very hard to walk the fine line of honesty and discretion. I won't lie to him about the events that led up to his being placed in foster care but I promise you that I choose my words very carefully. I have shown him all the pictures that I saved of the two of you together, he has one of them framed in his bedroom. I have shown him a lot of the things I saved for him in the memory box you wanted him to have. He has seen the items that you saved from his birth, the pictures that you gave me for him to have one day, the toys and gifts that you gave him, and some of the special things that he came to my house with like the fuzzy blanket and the stuffed dog. I still have every card and letter that you wrote to him and the ones you wrote to me as well but I don't think he is ready for those yet. He knows all about his older brother and sister and he has exchanged letters with his sister. He thinks being adopted is really cool and he talks about it freely with anyone. You would be so proud of him.

I swear to you that he has always known how much you loved him. We have made sure to always tell him how much you loved him and how much you wanted him.  I will make sure that he knows how hard it was for you to sign those papers sacrificing your place in his life. He will know that it was a decision you made out of love. I also promise to make sure he understands how hard you tried to turn your life around, that you worked very hard to overcome the circumstances of your upbringing.

I'm sorry that you had nobody on your side. So many times I wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you weren't alone. I wanted to tell you that I could see how hard you were working and how much pain you were in. I couldn't at that time, it wasn't my place and I don't think my overtures would have been well received. We were adversaries, on opposite ends of the table. But my heart broke for you on the day of your good-bye visit with Ty. Watching Ty wave to you as you walked away hurt and I could see the tears in your eyes.

I promise you that Ty will never hear a bad word about you from anyone. I have tried hard to share with him all the good things that I know about you. I know that one day soon he is going to ask some hard questions. I will keep walking that fine line and focus on the positives. I have saved the entire case file in case he wants it later on in his life because I know, being adopted from foster care myself, how much that little piece of history will mean to him. I know that one day he is going to want to find you and talk to you and I will do anything in my power to help him. I hope that day finds you happy and secure with your own family. It wasn't until I gave birth to my children that I truly understood the magnitude of your sacrifice or the depth of your pain. The very thought of being separated from them was more painful than I could have ever imagined before. It gave me a much deeper respect and sense of empathy for you and what you went through.

Thank you for giving birth to one of the most amazing kids I've ever met. Thank you for trusting me enough to raise your son. Just, thank you.

*Name Changed
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