Do you ever look at your kids and think 'Man, I am screwing you up'?
Do you look at your kids and think 'Someday you will talk about this in therapy'?
I think all parents are occasionally guilty of taking the easy way out with regards to parenting their offspring. Otherwise, we would all be insane and highly intoxicated. Just my theory, but according to the 8 people I polled for this post it is an accurate statement. You just cannot bring your A-Game 100% of the time, unless you are the new June Cleaver. My A-game makes an appearance a couple of times a week and the rest of the time I'm just winging it.
10 Parenting Failures that Make Life Easier
1. Television. I am not ashamed to say that I blatantly use the television to babysit my kids so I can at least take a shower without little people asking questions such as 'Why does that jiggle mommy?' and 'Mommy, did your wiener fall off?' I also rely on the television to allow me 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself without an audience. Thank you Curious George, Caillou and Diego. Thank you.
2. Frozen Chicken Tenders. I have extremely picky eaters and frequently find myself yelling 'For the Love of Ice Cream, just eat the damn tacos' at my kids. But the one thing that every single child will eat with nary a complaint? Frozen Tyson's chicken tenders. I buy them in bulk. Two freezer shelves are dedicated to chicken tenders. Right below the shelf of Vodka.
3. Scented Body Sprays. There are some nights that I just cannot find it within myself to fight the bathtime battle and I send various children to bed unbathed. The next morning before I herd them off to school I make sure to spray them down with body spray.
4. M&M's. I use them liberally as bribes. 4 of my children were potty trained using M&M's as bribes. Bedrooms get cleaned with the promise of M&M's. Laundry gets put away to earn the M&M's. I think we could achieve world peace if we offered the bad guys M&M's.
5. The DVR. I know I already said television but the DVR deserves a mention all by itself. What would I do without the DVR? At least 40% of my DVR shows consist of Caillou, Curious George, Peppa Pig and the like. The convenience of having 4 minutes of peace and quiet in which to make a tinkle without an audience can only be achieved with the help of the DVR.
6. The iPod/iPhone. Oh technology, what did we do before you? We do not have enough televisions in this house for everyone to watch their own shows simultaneously. Enter the iPod/iPhone. They can watch something on Netflix or YouTube an a crisis is averted. The iPod/iPhone also can be used to ward off meltdowns of epic proportions while out in public. I refer to it as the iPacifier.
7. McDonald's. The magic powers of the Happy Meal. It's amazing how a 25 cent plastic piece of shit toy can buy peace and harmony in my household for at least 3 hours. The Happy Meals even come with the option to substitute apple slices for fries, that counts as healthy right? Who am I kidding, my kids get the fries.
8. Minivan DVD Player. I know a family who relies only on each other for entertainment while they are in the minivan. No matter how far they are driving, they do not use the radio, the CD player, the DVD player or any other handheld device to entertain their children. No, they are not Amish. I asked. I think they were offended but I just blurted it out before I could stop myself. In contrast, my minivan contains no less than 75 different movies to ensure they always have something new to watch. We don't have enough headphones for everyone so we pipe the sound through the radio speakers and fade it to the back. This means Mr.McHunky and I have not listened to the actual radio or CD player in the minivan since 2008.
9. Plastic Easter Eggs. I use those brightly colored plastic goodies year round in this house. On the days when my kids are really testing my last nerve, I break out the plastic Easter Eggs. I hide them all over the house with nothing in them and then send the kids out on a fruitless search for candy. it sounds mean but hear me out. If you put candy in them then the kids stop searching as soon as they find the first 10 eggs because they are busy unwrapping candy. If the eggs are empty, they keep on searching in the hopes that the next egg they find has candy inside. Genius, huh?
10. Hide and Seek. A beloved childhood game that probably elicits fond memories of your youth, right? Well not the way I play it. I tell my kids to hide while I count to 1,000. Then I don't look for them. Eventually they get bored and jump out of whatever closet they were hiding in and I exclaim with total sincerity 'Oh my gosh, you are the best hider in the world'. Kids love that shit. When it's my turn to hide, I leave. Don't get your panties in a wad, I usually just hide on the back deck or in the van in the garage. Anywhere I can get a few minutes of alone time.
There you have it folks. My parenting failures that make my life so much easier. I have 5 kids, I make no apologies for cutting a few corners.
Stop judging me. Do you have wine?
June Cleaver, eat your heart out.
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